Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.