The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits