Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Danger is very dangerous
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !