13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.