imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
You Might Also Like
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend