If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop