Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Lucky old June.