Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”