Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1