Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀