It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
You Might Also Like
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?