Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
meow
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
the #horror is real!
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*