I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
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I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Sending in my taxes
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.