Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
You Might Also Like
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does