[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
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My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.