Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You Might Also Like
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob