A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
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listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though