These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?