“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.