if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?