When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My first son he is wonderful
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
hmmm
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want