The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Living the best life.. 😊
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Candles never taste the way they smell
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am