Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
*seductively eats two tums*
58.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one