The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You Might Also Like
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.