The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.