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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.