BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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I’d use my best pan on you.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
dogs can find happiness so easily
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.