Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
This raises questions
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”