me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*