DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
You Might Also Like
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
nothing saves money like being antisocial
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No