A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
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[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
#JohnTravolta
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked