Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.