craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
You Might Also Like
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
How to woo a woman
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition