I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
You Might Also Like
you’re so productive for your wage
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.