I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
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hey, alexa
🤭😂
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Knock Knock
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
sigh
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.