Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.