My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms