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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
oh you wanna fight?!
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Hard not to take this personally
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again