Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.