Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
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[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
they finally got him. they got macavity
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most