Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me after drinking all the wine:
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Spa day..😅
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?