“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
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Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!