Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
When I said I liked it rough.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
This could be us… but you playing
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.