If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.