19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.