SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Every house has this drawer
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?