[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.