Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*