I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Strangers have the best candy.