I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.